"Bring Me To Psychriatrist..."

I just had a bad dream... Really bad dream... And it's just ended a few minutes ago...

The dream was like my inner demon is ready to take over my body... And that inner demon are... My depression and suicidal behavior...

I don't know the beginning of my dream, but it keep getting worst... Everyone was like bullied me because of something i do that doesn't right, right now... Everyone, my college friends, my classmate, my teacher, everyone technically was bullied me... And i don't even can give them any reason, so i keep running away from them...

I just remember one thing that 2  of my classmate in school year (Maria and Timmy) escort me to some room, i was crying that time. Timmy left me after escorting me, but Maria was sitting on the bed and trying to make me calm, but what i said only...

"Bring me to Psychiatrist..."

I really shaken and feared that everyone hated me, and i don't know why somehow that room was ambushed by large number of student that shouting to me...

At that time, i running again, crying and weeping, this time only to see that all people already gathering on that place that were ready to attack me... Then, i lying on the fence, ready to jump to the ground from 3rd floor (yes, the building was like a hotel) until i heard somebody shout "Let her killed herself, so we won't get penalized for her!!"

That time, everyone was keep telling i'm crazy and etc...

The last time, i running again and then i woke up...

Woke up and suddenly my tears burst out, i'm crying...
I feel empty and overwhelmed by the dream, i was thinking "God, why that happen to me?"

"I really need to see psychiatrist, now..."

One Month

Gue... Jujur gue gak bisa ngomong ini ke siapa-siapa... Keknya cuma di sini gue berani ngomonginnya... Gue udah sebulan ini berubah jadi hikikomori... Belom bener-bener berubah jadi hiko sih, tapi mendekati hiko.

Sebulan ini gue ngilang dari kehidupan sosial, online tiap hari dari kamar dan gak pernah keluar bahkan buat kuliah sekalipun. Kadang temen ada yang negor gue ngapain gak kuliah, cuma gue gak tau harus jawab apa... Gue juga gak ngerti kenapa gue ngelakuin ini, tapi gue rasa karena gue kecewa sama diri gue sendiri yang lemah dan gak ngerti apa-apa dibanding temen-temen yang lain. Sesuatu yang salah, karena tekanan harusnya bisa dimentalkan, bukan diserap kayak gue...

Gue gak ngomong apa-apa ke ortu, ke keluarga, semuanya cuma gue simpen sendirian. Gue terlalu takut untuk bilang semua ini, bahkan ke cowo gue sendiri. Gue bener-bener ngerasain rasanya orang nyimpen rahasia sendirian, sakit sih, luka sih, tapi daripada kemana-mana mendingan buat diri sendiri aja gak merembet dan gak perlu ada orang sok ikut campur urusan orang. Gue bener-bener ngerasa sendirian...

Gue juga gak mau kok kayak gini, tapi gue ngerasa bersalah aja. Kenapa gue gak pinter kayak yang lain, kenapa gue harus serba dibantu orang. Gue tau gue lari, tapi di saat yang bersamaan gue gak bisa balik dan menghadapi permasalahan itu, karena permasalahan itu udah terlalu jauh dan terlalu besar untuk dilawan. Berasa ada tsunami perasaan bersalah di hati elu...

Hah... Hopefully, i can get up from all this bad dream...

My Life's Done

Sepertinya ini akhir hidup gue... Gak, gue gak mau bunuh diri atau apa kok... Cuma ngerasa ini memang akhir dari hidup gue, karena gue udah gak ngerti mau gimana lagi sama hidup gue..

Masalah makin pekat, dari keluarga, ke masalah sosial, ke masalah kuliah, everything... And I'm really sick of it... Pengen banget rasanya ngilang selama sebulan tanpa seorang pun tahu gue kemana, tapi gak mungkin gue lakukan ini karena gue masih kuliah (dan sepertinya, gue akan ngulang beberapa mata kuliah semester ini, karena gue melakukan hal ini beberapa minggu pertama kuliah gue)

Gue bener-bener balik jadi ansos lagi, bener-bener gak mau dan gak pengen kontak sama orang, apapun itu bentuknya, maybe.. One day gue akan jadi hikikomori, entahlah.. Tapi gue ngerasa jadi hikikomori itu indah kok, cuma hidup di dunia maya, tanpa perlu ngadepin dunia nyata...

I know, I know.. Banyak yang akan bilang gak baik dan blablabla, tapi... Meh.. Kalau kalian cukup kuat menghadapi hal-hal kayak gini, bersyukurlah kalian.. Karena at least kalian gak sendiri, sedangkan gue bener-bener ngadepin beginian sendirian, di tanah orang, dimana hampir gak ada orang yang gue kenal..

Gue bener-bener pengen sendirian... But... After all... I still can't face the world.. The failure world that I create for myself..